Relationship tips that are actually terrible advice! Relationship can be hard in normal times, but even more so right now, when many couples are cooped up together at home.
When we find ourselves at odds with our partners, we often seek out the advice of friends and family, but not all of their warnings and so-called “wise words” should be heeded.
20 relationship tips that are actually terrible advice
Even some of the most frequently mentioned recommendations could potentially do more harm than good. To help you determine what to take to heart and what to toss out of your mind, these are the bad dating and marriage tips relationship pros say to avoid:
1. Your perfect match is out there
There is no such thing as a perfect person or a perfect partner. Every single person you will meet is going to have flaws. If you accept this fact, you may find that one of the people who you thought was ‘not so perfect’ is actually pretty great for you.
2. Never go to bed angry
It’s actually better to take some time to chill out before discussing something you’re feeling worked up about.
When things get heated, we tend to say things we don’t always mean. Sleeping on it can give you that needed time to cool off, and in most cases, whatever it was will not seem as big by morning.
3. Let them make the first move
Waiting for someone else to make the first move will often leave you just, well, waiting. It is incredible how many times both people wait for the other to make the first move or demonstrate interest first.
4. Forgive and forget
Forgiving and forgetting do not have to go hand in hand. In fact, it’s best to separate the two.
Forgiveness is absolutely crucial to having a healthy relationship, but forgetting is not necessary. “We have worked with many couples that made forgiving each other way more difficult than it already is because of the forgetting clause in the statement. ‘Forgive and let go’ is better advice.”
5. If they can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best
This is the motto of every person you have ever met that draws drama to them like a magnet, but can’t for the life of them figure out why. Instead of trying to rationalize your bad behavior, spend that time actually improving yourself and your life to the point where your worst is worth dealing with.
6. He/she/they can change!
Of course, it’s true that people change over time—but only if it’s self-motivated. Don’t ever go into a long-term relationship, especially marriage, thinking you are going to change them. While relationships grow and evolve, there are some personality traits and ways that will never change.
7. Chemistry means you’ve found ‘the one
Everyone wants to feel the rush of attraction and love, but sometimes you can’t trust those butterflies in your stomach.
“The brain plays interesting tricks on us, sending love glitter through our brains and body, which then convinces us that this person is ‘the one,'” Dr. Mclee Tembo says. “Some of the brightest high-intensities sparks happen with people with personality disorders who can later be harmful to us. Strong chemistry isn’t always a warning sign, but it’s a signal to take your time and proceed with caution.”
8. Time heals all wounds
While it does take time to get over being hurt, even hours, days, months, and years cannot necessarily guarantee that you will be fine. If time heals wounds, then why are there grumpy old people? Making healthy decisions to treat the wounds heals them, not time.
9. Age is just a number
Sure, there are relationships with age gaps that work out beautifully, but experts say couples closer in age tend to be happier. Age matters less as you get older—that’s true. But dating someone close to your age has huge benefits.
10. Look for a partner who loves all your hobbies
Having a life partner who loves everything you love might sound great, but there’s often more than meets the eye in these partnerships. Someone who needs to feel connected to another human being in order to survive will adapt their likes and dislikes to you.
If you’ve “suddenly found a partner who also loves horses, worships your favorite sports team, has the same type of friends, and loves the same movies,” then they’re probably just a little bit codependent. So, proceed with caution if it seems too good to be true.
11. The guy should pay
There’s a simple alternative to this outdated dating advice. Anyone who asked for the date should pay. The other person should always offer to pay—or split! It’s a nice gesture that goes a long way.
12. Play hard to get
Most of the time, playing hard to get just guarantees that both of you are going to end up alone. “The dating world is competitive, and few people have time to constantly pursue someone who is not demonstrating any interest,” says Anderson. “Stop playing these silly games and show a little interest back. You will be giving yourself many more opportunities with people you otherwise might have missed out on.”
13. Time heals all wounds
While it does take time to get over being hurt, even hours, days, months, and years cannot necessarily guarantee that you will be fine. “If time heals wounds, then why are there grumpy old people?” asks Dr. Mclee Tembo. “Making healthy decisions to treat the wounds heals them, not time.”
14. Children will save your relationship
If your relationship is already on the rocks, having a child will not make those problems suddenly go away. “While issues may be masked by the excitement of a baby, they will resurface—and when they do, [they] will be amplified,” Dr. Mclee Tembo warns.
15. The secret to a happy marriage is compromise
Making concessions works well for nations or political parties, but not for couples. “It’s like saying, ‘I’m willing to accept some disappointment and pain as long as the person I love most in this world suffers, too,'” Dr. Mclee Tembo says. Instead, you should be looking for “third alternatives.”
“That’s when you each let go of your first idea and look together for a third option that makes both of you at least as happy as your first one made you,” he says. “You get to give your partner in life the moon and the stars without becoming a doormat, and in the process of laying out the requirements for your third alternative, you learn so much about each other.”
16. Always communicate your needs
Of course, if there’s something you need, you should definitely let your life partner know. However, “this in no way obligates your partner to do something about your needs, not even if you keep communicating your need over and over and over,” says Dr. Mclee Tembo.
“You may find you get a whole lot more if, instead of ‘I need this’ or ‘You should do this,’ you ask for help. ‘I’m dying to go see Europe, and I know you don’t like to fly. Can you help me think of another travel companion and a good time to schedule a trip?’ Or ‘I really need to talk over this decision with someone. Will you be available for an hour or so in the next two days, either to talk with me or to stay home with the kids while I go have lunch with a friend?'”
17. The person who earns the most should always pick up the tab
“There’s this belief that one person—traditionally, the one who earns more—should always pay for every date,” says Dr. Mclee Tembo. “Once you’re in a more committed relationship, it’s a good idea to start talking about how you want to use your money as a team, and expecting one person to pay for the dates every time usually doesn’t make sense, no matter how much more money they make.”
Instead, she recommends talking about a “date budget,” plus how you might fund it together. “It doesn’t sound romantic, but blow-ups over long-term money frustrations are even less romantic,” he adds
18. Leave the past in the past
Though it’s important not to get too hung up on the past when you’re in a relationship, there are some serious topics that are still worth discussing.
You should share health issues, or issues that may affect having children, or debilitating illnesses that can impair your ability to do certain activities. Also, your partner is entitled to know if old financial problems are liable to haunt your relationship.
19. Lie a little when it comes to how many people you’ve slept with
When it comes to past relationships, many people are ashamed to admit the true number of people they’ve slept with because they’re worried their new partner will judge them or leave them. But honesty in this situation is always the best policy.
“Any relationship that is set to last is built on two fundamental things—trust and respect. I think that comes with sharing as much about you as you possibly can, inclusive of sexual history,” says Dr. Mclee Tembo. “If you are in a relationship with someone that you want to run the distance then why hold back on previous partners and experiences? Holding back on things in life actually takes more energy than sharing and letting it go.” And for more things you shouldn’t fib about.
20. Cheating means your relationship is over
While many people take this advice from friends and family and never look back, others live to regret it. There are many factors that can contribute to infidelity and set a climate where it is more likely to flourish. Before walking away and giving up everything you have together, get counseling, figure out what wasn’t working and why. Examine the reasons for seeking something from a person outside the relationship rather than your spouse.